My Worst Fear
by Spokenvoice
Summary: what happens when she endangers the life of Catherine's Daughter? How much can their relationship with stand? CathSara you've been warned
1. Chapter 1

**My Worst Fear**

**Disclaimer: **i don't own them - all charecters belong to the writers of CSI and the lyrics are from - my worst fear

_Last night you gave me a kiss  
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did  
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep  
So I just laid there pretending to be  
You said some things you didn't know I could hear  
And the words "**I love you**" never sounded so sincere_

"_I_ _can't believe how much I love you_" She mumbled absently as she ran her hand down my bear shoulder and against the length of my arm. I'm still in my work clothes, my black jeans and a white tank top – I was too tired to change. The day was one I had never wanted to relive, never. Not after the horrors I'd seen. My arm was holding onto her waist as her head rested on the top of mine. Both our legs entangled and propped up on the coffee table in front of us – soft music playing in the background – I wanted this to be my forever – but I also knew that wasn't going to be the case. As I stay, silently praying that she'll never let go I hear her soft words been spoken – "_I don't have the courage to say this to you face but…your everything to me" _She thinks I'm asleep? She does, that's why she is softly running her fingers across my arm to comfort me – she does it to stop the nightmares, a trick she'd picked up on the first night we'd spent together. I let her have this moment not wanting to break into – I keep my eyes closed and I just listen to her. _"I've never loved anyone like this before – god, you've got me Sar…I'd do anything for you"_ then I felt her lips press into my temple – in that moment something happened to me – I realized just how much she meant to me, she is my everything.

Turning slightly in her arms I move further into her – by now she'd fallen into a light slumber. The both of us, just happy to hold each other and I can't get the words out my head, sure you've said them before, but this time it was different. She meant it – she really meant it. Maybe if I wasn't so scared of the three little words,_ 'I love you', _I'd say them to her but…they just terrify me for reasons I've never spoken about. With a shrug of my thoughts I just move further into her side – I'm not sure how long we have been here but I just hope it's not going to end anytime soon. I do love her…but I'll never be able to utter the words – and I hate myself for denying her that.

I'm awoken, by the sound of her house phone. No, don't…please stop! I don't want her to move, so I tighten my arms around her waist and pull you into me groaning. "Please?" I beg. I know that I'm been unreasonable but hell I want you forever. She is equally resisting the ringing but it gets too much for her so she moves an arm from around my waist and reaches over to the side table. "Sorry baby" She mumbles.

That was the best sleep I've had in ages, mostly because I wasn't woken by the god damn nightmares, and more importantly because I was right where I wanted to be – in her arms. I accept the fact she's answered it now, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I just moved into her further if it's even possible and with my eyes still closed I press lips against her jaw line – soft kisses making my way to her neck. I feel you lift your head to the side to allow me more access, and the arm that was around my neck and running down my arm moves to my waist.

"Willows" So professional – even on her home phone, I can't help but smile. Stopping the onslaught of kisses I just rest my head on you shoulder happy to listen to her gruff, tired voice. "Hey… yeah...no I'm awake now" She explained. Yeah she's awake, and so am I, her voice is still sleep laced however, "Okay then…no I'll try and sort it. Okay thanks Sis…yeah I'll see what I can do, bye" With that she cut the phone off and put it back on the side.

"Everything okay?" I asked,

"Err…her cars playing up, she can't pick Lindsey up from school" She sighs, I often wonder what it is keeping her so strong? What it is that keeps her able to fight – "Can you do me a favor?"

I know just what she's going to say, and she knows that I'm not happy. "Cath" I begin.

"Please…Sar … I have to get to work early and…"

I sigh, "But…" I try to argue my case only to be cut off -

"I'll make it up to you…I promise"

Oh man, why me? Why today? "Cath she hates me, you know she does" I explain.

"Sar she doesn't hate you…she just hates the fact you are shacking up with her sister" Catherine explained, she tried to make me feel better; she's doing a crap job.

"Do you remember what happened the other week?" I ask, the two off us had gone to pick up Lindsay at end of shift and I'd ended up in a fight with Catherine's sister. To say that the two of us don't get along is an underestimation.

"Okay, listen…you pick Lindsey up and then you take her to my sisters. You walk to the door, smile, thank her on my behalf and then leave. Come to work early and I'll take a break with you. Simple!"

How can I say no to that? Huh?

Easy, like this.

"NO"

"No? What…why?" She asks

"Because…it's Friday which means your mother will be there and I get double the hate" To say that Catherine's family don't accept our relationship is the biggest underestimation of the year, and I really believe that they try to turn Lindsay against me. But the kids too smart for that…I smile, happy that Catherine's daughter is to smart to be manipulated – lucky for me!

"Sara…" Catherine growls. "Please"

"Why?" I know I'm whining like a kid but I really do hate been forced to see her family.

"Because I love you" She offers, as if that's reason enough.

I smile slyly - We all know where this is going – I look up from where I have my head rested on her shoulder and into her eyes, "Say that again" I ask

"I love you" She repeats.

"And you think that's a good enough reason?" I raise an eye brow as a smile plays on my lips.

"No but, this is" She explains as she presses her lips against my own, passionately the two of us are caught in the heat – god I love her. If only I could bring myself to say it to her. I know then that I'm not getting anymore sleep – and she's not getting to work on time as I'm caught in the kiss I don't notice her move – not until she's sat on my lap, straddling me. Her hands instantly come to my waist –

Opening my eyes I meet her gaze, I know this isn't good. She moves her hands across my bare skin under my shirt – I draw in a breath. "_Remember…_" She speaks seductively into my ear as her lips brush down her breath against my skin forcing me into a haze – hell she's got a hold on me. And the worst thing – she knows it! _"…I have my ways to get…around you" _Damn it I hate her. I move forward trying to capture her lips but she refuses – leaning backwards her hands rise further under my shirt – she's too good at this!

"Please" I ask. I want her, I need her – I hate her.

"Please what?" She asks.

"Don't…" She moves to the sensitive spot on my neck she knows she's got me, "Oh…shit…" I groan. She holds my hands down from her waist – pinning me. She's in control and she knows it – "Cath" I plead again, needing to touch her.

"I'll give you what you want if you give me what I want" she's loving this.

I try and resist, but I can't…not now…not when she teases me like she is. Eventually give in, "I'll do it" I tell her.

_tbc - hope you like._


	2. Chapter 2

**My Worst Fear**

**Part 2**

_AN/ strong language in the next part - thanks for reading!_**  
**

She's gone, she's left, and I know she has. As I move my hand over the side of her bed where she should be I growl. My eyes still shut; I try to picture her as I grip her pillow and pull it into me holding it close and taking in the sweet sent that is her. God damn it, this isn't meant to happen! She's not meant to take hold of my like this – no one is. She has me right in the middle of her hand – she can kill me if she wants, I've given her that power. What was I thinking? No one is meant to have it.

She's never help me though…would she?

That's the reason I held back, because I was scared of been hurt…but…she wouldn't…

Would she?

I can't believe what I have, sometimes I think that Catherine is Crazy, taking on an emotional challenged someone like me and give me the world – it's basically what she did – she gave me everything. I wonder what life would be like without her – I can sum it up in one word, 'Meaningless'.

I'm lay alone in her bed, god…I'm so happy, I'm not sure anyone should ever feel like this…it can't be good for anyone! Turning on my back I finally open my eyes and thankfully she made sure the curtains are shut, so the room was dull, not dark but I was able to open my eyes. Turning my head I look at the clock, I realize it's time for me to make a move. As I silently curse the flashing numbers on the clock I notice a note left next to it. Picking it up, I focus on the neat scrawl – Catherine's writing

**_Baby,_**

**_Thanks for a great afternoon – I'll give you a call when I get a chance. And thanks for taking Linds, means loads. Love loads, and don't kill my Sister. X_**

I smile plays on my lips – it was a great afternoon.

-----

"Hey Kiddo" I smiled leaning on my Tahoe bonnet. I'd parked the car out front of the school so I was in visual for when Lindsay came out of the building. I was dressed in my usual work clothes – black jeans, army style boots laced up and a white tank top – my CSI Id badge was thrown around my neck hanging in front of me and my gun was pushed into my holster that was strapped to the side of my waist. I had to admit I didn't look like the other mothers, but hell I wasn't one of them! I must have looked like I was a trained killing machine – some of the mothers had given me an odd look, one of confusion, to them it must have looked like something had happened. Okay I admit maybe I should have de-cop my appearance a little before I got out the car but – hell, I'm new at this give me a break.

"Sara!" Lindsay beamed; at least she seemed to be happy to see me. I mean for me this was all new and felt so unreal, until Catherine I had never considered myself a family kind of girl.

**_A workaholic_**, yeah sure, I could live with that,

**_Bordering alcoholic_** – this was a little harder to accept as it made me think about my father and mother and a past I didn't want to become – but it's no secret that after a bad case I come home and hit the hard stuff, and I can nock it back. Since I've been with Catherine however she keeps an eye on just how much I get through –

**_Social inept_**, there is no denying that. I'm not a people person; I'm so like Grissom in this aspect that it officially scares the shit out of me.

…but a **_Family Person _**that was never part of my list let me tell you now it was taking a lot of getting used to – for me that is.

I'm amazed though, at just how quickly she has accepted the set up with me and her mother. Think about it, Lindsay has that psycho Grandma from hell, that bitch of an aunt and that overly controlling bastard of a father – better known as Eddie Willows – to turn her against me. It's safe to say that the odds really aren't on my side, are they? I'm doing pretty well considering.

She comes towards me at a pace and offers me a hug, wrapping her arms around my waist. I hug her back, "Hey, so you have a good day?" I'm not great with Kids, I never have been but lately I haven't been doing too badly.

"Yeah" She nods her head, and then looks up at me "I thought Aunt Kate was picking me up?"

"There's been a change in plan slugger" I take her back pack from her hands, "Come on" I say. She seems more than happy to comply. I walk around my hand on her shoulder so I guide her to the passenger side. It's funny how protective I am over her – I pull open the door, "Jump in" I smile, I can't help it and then help her up into her seat, she's a great kid and more a wear of what's going on around her than any of us realize. "Buckle up" Are my last words before I shut the door and turn to make my way to the driver's side.

Before I get too far however I hear a woman behind me, "Excuse me, Miss?" I turn around to see a lady, not too much older than myself, heading my way. What now? I wonder. Looking to my side I make sure Lindsay's okay – she is but I don't think my CD's are- she lent over reaching through them. Happy with the fact she's occupied and not causing to much trouble in the Denali I decide it'll be okay to leave her a moment.

So turning I step back up onto the side walk – "Can I help you?" I cringe at my own words, there's a reason on cases I don't deal with the victims families. Like I said, I'm not a people person.

"I'm sorry to bother you miss" She offers now stood in front of me.

"Sara" I explain, I never am happy to be called Miss. Now I'm stood, I must have a little confusion on my face because I'm stood waiting to see just who she is and what she wants.

"Sara" She repeats with a smile, though she looks a little confused. I want my answers first though, "I'm miss Rogers – Lindsay's teacher." Teacher, great, I'm pretty sure this is going to be a Catherine conversation or I'll even go as far as to say Kate, the aunt, would be better at this than me. This was new, I've never had to deal with a teacher like this, "I was hoping to catch Miss Willows" She explained to me, "To have a word"

"She's been called into work" I explain the absents of a certain strawberry blond I wish was here now instead of me. I look nervous, I know I do. Mostly because this is something I've had no practice in, there's no time like now though huh? "Is there anything that I can help with?" I can see a not so certain look on her face – one that I read as '_who the hell are you?' _Maybe I do need to offer an explanation.

"I'm Sara Sidle, I'm Catherine Willows…" How do I explain this, "partner" I don't know if Catherine wants the school to know, you know how things travel around schools but what the hell – it's too late now.

"Oh, I see – so you work with her?" I notice her catch my CSI badge.

I let out a small laugh, I couldn't help it. "Yeah, and I live with her" from my tone of voice I think she got it.

"Oh I see" She continued, obviously happy that I wasn't abducting Lindsay or anything – "Well Sara, I was just – there was an incident today where Lindsay got into a fight with some other children. It didn't get physical just a few words. Lindsay was a little upset and so I just wanted to give you a heads up. You know, keep Miss Willows informed."

I nod my head, taking it all in. "Is she okay?" I ask, concerned for Lindsay.

"Yeah she was just upset, I calmed her down and things got sorted. I just think someone should have a word with her" I nodded my head.

"I'll let Catherine know, and I'll make sure she's okay. Thank you" I hold out my hand, this is what happens right? I wonder. God, I'm going to have to work on this.

She smiles; "No problem, it was nice talking to you" she turns and begins to walk away. So I turn and go about getting into my car. It's funny, I've never had to play responsible adult for a kid before – it feels wired but in a good way. I'm used to getting Lindsay out of trouble, letting her stay up late, sticking up for her in front of Catherine. I'm never acting like an adult should.

As I get in, I notice Lindsay look to her feet. She knows her teacher said something to me. I decided that it's best not to push the subject. As I said, I'm more of an irresponsible – older sister figure – if you will to the kid so I'm going to do what I do best avoid the awkward silence and find a better way to approach it. "Well Kiddo, like I said, there has been a change of plan. How's about you and me spend a little quality time together before I have to head to work?"

She turns, and smiles, "Where's mom?" She asks.

"She had to go in early Kiddo" I explain, "Blame uncle Nicky, he needed your moms help" It was true; he had needed the blood spatter analyst A.K.A Catherine Willows. I push Lindsay's back pack onto the back of my seat and then I reach over and pull from my CSI vest two lollypops. Sure, usually they are mine for when I'm at a crime scene to stop me from wanting a cigarette but when I'm with Lindsay I'll hand them over. "I got you the red one" I smile, as I hold it out.

"Thanks Sara" She beams taking the sweet from me. Then I undo the wrapper on my own before putting it in my mouth. I don't smoke around Lindsay, never have. And Catherine doesn't like it because it causes her to want one, so I only smoke when I'm alone usually. I push the keys into the ignition, and start the car, I know that I should talk this whole thing out with her but I really don't think it's my place to corner her and throw questions her way.

----

We have been heading down the road a good while now, mindless conversation has filled the silence but for the past half a mile I've been a little distracted by the darkened blue Honda Civic tailgated my Denali – anger was taking hold now as he edged forward and was getting closer to my bumper. Lindsay picked up on my anger. "Sar?" She asked.

"Yeah Honey?" I asked, as I looked in my review mirror trying to get a look at the guy but couldn't – a pair of shades and a ball cap disguising him. He'd forced his bonnet mere inches away from my bumper around half a mile back after I had pulled out of a slip road and caused him to reduce his speed to that of the legal limit. What the hell was his problem?

"You okay?"

"Yeah" I lie "I'm fine" The guy was really starting to get to me now. I hate people like him; if I could have I'd force him into the lab on a day that they bring in the DB's of an RTA – maybe that'd get his attention. "Okay, here's what we are going to do" I tell her. She looks expectantly at me and I give a reassuring smirk her way. "How about you play cop?"

"Do I get your gun?" She asked excited.

"No" I tell her straight, okay there are a lot of things I let the kid get away with that Catherine wouldn't be too happy about but giving her my gun is past the line. Catherine would pull her own out on me if she found out. And I myself am not happy with giving her a lethal weapon. "Is your belt on properly?" I ask, as the guy begins to swerve. Having Lindsay in the car is making my extremely nervous.

"Yeah" She tells me.

I nod my head, okay then – just calm the hell down – I tell myself, gripping my hands tighter on the steering wheel. "Okay, now reach into the glove box and grab out a pencil and paper, your going to be a detective" I tell her. The lunatic behind me is still trying to swerve into the lane at the side of my Tahoe to overtake, God this guy wasn't giving up –

Looking into my mirror I managed to grab his number plate – I asked Lindsay to write it down. Just incase he clipped me.

I couldn't believe this guy, looking back again in the mirror I watched as the car nearly clipped the side of a red ford mustang that came up the side doing a little over the speed limit himself. This wasn't going to end well, he was going to cause some kind of accident I just hopped it didn't involve me. It moved up my back again, closer than ever now – I decide that I'm officially scaring Lindsay so speak – "You get that number down?" I smile.

"Yeah"

"Wow, well you going to be a cop or CSI like your mom – you got the Willow's head." I complement. Truth is, I know Catherine doesn't want Lindsay to be an officer or CSI because of all the shit we've seen. I have to admit, I wouldn't want my kid to see this kind of crap, I think Catherine is right to protect her.

"No"

"No?" I ask, she seemed adamant about this fact. With still a close eye on the car behind I continue the conversation.

"No because it's too much work and I don't see her"

Instantly I feel bad for the kid, shit she sounded so hurt. "Hey you know your mom Loves you more than anything right"

Lindesay just nods her head with a shrug. I sigh, 'poor kid'.

I need to get some distance, this isn't any good – so I accelerate – but the god damn Civic just follows. "What the fuck" I mumble under my breath. I hope she didn't hear that. Then I watch as the Ford that had nearly been taken out by the lunatic behind pass – there was a baby on board along with another child all of twelve the mother driving looking anger filled and I understood why. I sighed shaking my head. I decide this isn't any good, this guy isn't worth the trouble – and especially with Lindsay sat at my side. So I pull of onto the road side – he passes with his horn blearing and flipping me off. I'd have reacted it the kid wasn't at my side, instead I sat there and just let my anger pass. Deep breaths - Deep breaths, Looking to my side I see her looking expectantly at me –

"You okay slugger?"

"Yeah" She nods, though I can see she's a little shook up.

I have to smile; I reach out with a nod of my head and take the paper from her, "Good job on this…now lets see what trouble I can cause huh?"

She nods, "You gonna arrest him"

"No probably not but I can make life difficult" I explain, reaching down to my waist I take my Cell and call the familiar number.

"Hey brass, its Sara…yeah…I was wondering if you could do me a favor…" I look at the plate, Nevada plates. "Yeah I was nearly taken off the road by a mad man, he nearly clipped another car and took it out…think you can make life a little difficult? It's all I ask" I smile, "Thanks"

Putting down my mobile I lean against my window, "So you, me…pizza? Sound good?" I need to talk to her, I know that now. I may not be her mother, or aunt but I care about her.

"Yeah sounds great" She beams.

I nod my head, "just tell your mom I fed you something healthy – got it?"

She nods her head, "Got it"

We have an understanding.

_**tbc...thanks for reading! **_


	3. Chapter 3

**My Worst Fear**

**Part 3**

_Thankyou sooo much for the review, it really means alot to me to know somone out there is reading this lol. I gave you an LONGER chapter as a reward ;)_**  
**

Okay, we've got through the pizza and she's sitting with the soda, soon she's going to run out of Soda and I'll have to buy some more time to find courage to bring up the situation. Come on Sidle, you can't avoid this – I mean hell – there are only so many soda refills a girl can drink!

"Your teacher seems nice" Instantly I see her react, she looks up and instantly becomes less relaxed, she just shrugs her shoulder and goes back to eating – truth it I know she doesn't want to speak about it. "She said that you got into a fight today" I throw it out there lightly wanting to let her know that I'm not accusing her. The restaurant is crowed so even though we are surrounded by people the conversations around us give us our privacy. "Want to talk about it?"

She shakes her head, I take the silence as a no – okay, I get that she doesn't want to talk- and normally I wouldn't make her – maybe I should leave it now. I have no idea what's for the best…but I don't stop talking. "You know when I was a kid I got into a lot of fights with err, my brother … all the time" _Damn it, what did I say that for?_

"You have a brother?" Lindsay asks, here we go – my big mouth.

"Err, yeah…I do" It's my turn now to reach out and take my soda – talking about me makes my uncomfortable, nervous. After a few moments I decide it's best to continue – "I don't talk much about _me_ huh?" I smile softly despite my agitated ways.

She nodded her head, "What did you fight over?" she was waiting for me to continue.

To be honest I really didn't want to tell her, mostly because I'm not comfortable talking about my childhood – to anyone. "Normal stuff" I tell her, though there was nothing about my childhood that was normal – "You know, TV remote, the last chocolate bar, the _normal stuff._"

"Like you and mom now?" She asks and this made me laugh.

It was true; Cath and my self are like two big kids. "Yeah" I explain, "Except when it was with my brother I usually ended up with a fist in my face – you're lucky that you don't have to fight it out with anyone."

"Accept mom"

"Yeah, well I always stick up for you with her" I shoot at her, throwing a napkin her way. She laughs. Though it doesn't last long, I can see she's fighting something inside those pretty blue eyes.

"I might be able to help" I offer.

She seems to think about this, she is contemplating it – "Will you tell mom?"

Ah, there it is – the whole confidentiality. I have trouble with this one, how do I know when I should or shouldn't tell Catherine, what is it that is too much for me to handle? I'm going to have to talk this out with Catherine, the whole '_where it is I stand with Lindsay thing' _because I don't want to over step my mark. "Depends –will you tell mom about anything I told you?" I ask her, I know that I'm only making Lindsay feel better but truth is that deep down I really don't want Catherine to know I have a brother, or ask about my screwed up family. Up until now I'd been able to avoid that part of all this.

She shakes her head, "No"

"Well then, you tell me…and I'll let you know if your mom needs to know" I try and keep her talking, "I'm not going to be angry Linds" I tell her.

She fumbles around with her hands and avoids eye contact with me "They said that my mom was a bad person because my dad left" Lindsay eventually explains. Wow, I didn't expect that, not at all. I take a breath; I see she's really upset. "They keep picking on me…and calling my mom names"

"Lindsay" my voice is softer than even I believed that it could be, she doesn't look up, "Come on Kiddo – look at me" I plead.

Slowly she does, I see tears in her eyes, "Why did dad leave?"

_Oh god, this isn't what I wanted. I'm pretty sure that It isn't a 'sidle' convocation _– _and this isn't a time to slag of my girlfriends ex either, think sidle. _"Honey, listen to me…these kids have no idea what they are talking about. Your dad loves you, and so does your mom. They'd do anything for you and you have to trust me on that one." Leaning over I take her hand in mine, "There are a lot of people out there whose parents are together and they don't love their kid as much as your parents love you" _try my mom and dad, _I add silently. "Your dad, he left because…" I sigh, "I think this is a conversation that you need to have with your mom Linds" I tell her. It really is – who am I to even try and come up with an explanation. I mean, what was I to say?

'_Your mom left your dad because he was physically and mentally abusive towards her and slept with some whore breaking your moms heart' _

"You're going to tell her?" She sounds horrified.

I shake my head, "no, I'm not…but I think you should."

Lindsay thinks for a moment, then looks up at me again – this time expectantly – "Does mom hate Dad?"

_There's a reason you avoid emotion Sidle – and that's because of this – look at her, she's hurting and you have no way to make it better. _My mind is screaming at me, I don't know what to say. This is a touchy subject for me as well you know. And the reason it's hard is because I believe what I'm going to say – and it's like a knife to my heart. "No, she doesn't hate him"

Truth is on some level I think she still has feelings for him. I shrug my shoulder and lower my head looking at the near empty soda – I don't think I'm going to refill – I think I got all I needed to get out of Lindsay. This is no longer a '_me'_ job. I've taken this as far as I can. All I can do is offer one last bit of advice. So I do – "Kiddo, listen to me now – Your mom and dad, they love you. And always will. And what ever those kids say to you at school…you ignore it, because you know that they are wrong. Your mom's a good person; she's out there now doing her job…protecting others. She's not a bad person… and…" _here it is, the hardest part of the conversation, been nice to the Ex of my Girlfriend who I believe still feels something for him, _"that goes for your dad as well. And if you can't ignore them, use your fists!" I smile, seeing I've gotten a laugh from her.

_Damn it… she really needs to talk to Catherine._

_--------_

Walking from my Tahoe towards the Lab I realize just what it is that I have to do – get some god damn coffee in me. Shift hadn't even started and I need my fix… looking at my watch I realize that I'm running a little late, for someone who had to show early to catch a coffee with a certain blond CSI I wasn't holding up well. It's what you get when you try to exchange pleasantries with Catherine's sister. She accused me off not letting her know where Lindsay was. She knew that Catherine had sorted it, and that she'd more than likely be with me so what was the problem? Huh. I'm not some killer, no, I've never murdered…

…I did something worse though, I'm her sister's lover, yeah that's it, I've loved her sister and that's what kills her. Some time's I think they'd take it better if I was an ex con. I walked out of there tonight, mostly because mother in law was hanging around ready to pounce when given the chance. And that I couldn't take.

_Oh lord, do I need COFFEE!_

I made it to the break room and didn't even head to the locker room first. I had my bag over my shoulder and my jacket and vest on my back "Oh coffee…how I love you" I mumble absently as I make a straight line to the jug that is steaming. And a bonus, Greg made it.

"You look like you need it"

I turn to see someone sat on the sofa; I was so in need of the coffee that I hadn't even noticed her. I poured the mug and then placed the pot back down heading to the space on the sofa next to her – dropping my bag at my feet I sat. "Mm baby" I smiled, I couldn't help it- it's what she did to me. Made me happy – I brush my lips softly against hers before pulling back – "You'll never know how much"

"Lindsay that bad?" She asked me,

"No…Lindsay was great… your sibling however…" I leave the familiar sentence unfinished. She knew my feeling on the sister; she didn't need to be reminded.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" She actually seemed guilty.

"Hey, it's fine…all good. I'm alive…" I mean hell it's over with now; she knows I'm fine with it.

"Is she?" Catherine asked a smile playing on her lips yet I know she's serious; she wants to know just how far this argument got.

"Just about" I joked, taking a gulp from my coffee. I'm aware of her hands as well, as they make their way around my waist between my jacket and my tank top. "I missed you" I explained as I lent into her resting my head on her shoulder.

"I missed you to…I thought you were going to try and get in a little earlier" she seemed a little disappointed.

"I was but, I kind of took Lindsay out after school…" I explained, thinking back to the kid who was sat in front of me not hours before.

"Really?"

"Yeah…why so surprised?"

"Just…I don't know…" She shrugged it off.

"Hey, it's your sister I don't like. Not your kid" I remind, this time I give her another kiss more forceful and reassuring.

"So where did you two go?" She's getting of the sister subject – wise choice.

"Dinner and the arcade…played some video games before I took her back to your sisters." I explained. I know as I'm sitting her that I can't betray Lindsay's confidence but Catherine needs to know.

"Thank you" She's so sincere that it actually stings my heart. I notice something.

"You got that used to been on your own didn't you?" It's a sad yet reassuring smile that I show. I move my own arm around the front of her winding it around her waist and pulling her into me, she avoids my question but her eyes gave me the answer I needed, I lent forward so my lips were pressed against her ear and whispered softly – "You're not alone anymore"

Turning her head she looks into my eyes, she must have saw just how serious I was because I saw her run through a load of emotions in only a few seconds before her lips came crashing down on mine.

As I pull for a much needed breath I hear her sigh, "Mm, too bad shift starts in five huh?" she moans.

Damn right, "Yeah too bad." Her hand entwines with mind. It's the simple little things that make me love her, this been one of them. I know that I need to change the subject quick otherwise neither of us would be starting in five "How did the case go?"

"We closed it about half hour ago. Signed, sealed and delivered" She seems relieved. I take some more coffee, more than happy to have it settle my need.

"So how's Lindsay?"

Oh god, what do I say? "Truth, I'm not sure" well it was kind of the truth. I feel a little guilty but I think this is something that Lindsay needs to do not me.

"What do you mean?"

Damn she knows me too well, she can tell I'm hiding something - I really am stuck now "She sees more than we think Cath" I explain. I'm like Grissom, I know I am. I mean usually I leave the cryptic to him. Pull it together Sidle.

"What the hell does that mean?" she's getting a little defensive so I calm her by tightening my firm grip against her waist.

"I think…I don't know… she just…sees the arguing and it's not fair. I mean, I'm putting her in the middle. When I dropped her off at your sisters and things got a little heated she looked hurt – and she didn't know who to turn to. I feel like I'm…I don't know…getting in the way" it's true, that's exactly what I feel, Like I'm doing something wrong, that it's me who's hurting her. I haven't lied to Catherine; it's exactly what had happened.

---

We are all in the Break room now, five minuets later – and awaiting our cases. Catherine sat on the sofa still, Warrick at the table with Greg, Nick stood at the counter and me next to the doorway when Gil Grissom walks in "cases are up…Nick, Sara and Greg…DB this address" he's way to business, I mean not even a welcome guys, not even a 'hi'. I lean forward and take the paper from his hand – "Hi to you to Grissom" I shoot. I mean really is a '_hi_' too much? He just gives me that raised eye brow look that lets me know it's time to get the hell out of there. So it's what I do, taking my back pack from the table I offer a fare well sidle stare letting him know that I think he needs to improve his communication skills – and drink the last of my coffee. "Who's got post?" I ask.

"Nick" he tells me flatly, he must have had a bad day- maybe one of his spiders died or something. I don't know.

"Of cause he does" I hand the paper to the Texan, "Give me two and I'll meet you out front" I tell Greg and Nick before I leave. Hey, you may think I'm been a little hard on Grissom but, we had words yet again and he's not in my good books right now. I know - I get it… I'll sort it out later with him. But not now!

-----

"So what did Gris do this time?" Greg is stood against my bonnet; I guess we are taking my Tahoe. I can see he's got that smile on his face – the one that lets me know today is going to be a long Shift. I give him the look; you know the one that usually shuts them up – but for some unbeknown reason it just doesn't work on him. God damn you! He continues. "Did he make a pass at your girl?" he joked. What the hell kind of joke was that. It didn't take long for my hand to rise up and slap him hard across the back of the head.

"You're sitting in back" I tell him, "Nick can you drive"

He gives me a look, one of those – huh? Looks that I know I should give an explanation for. Truth was I'm a little shaken up about the incident earlier, not that I'll ever admit it. "I'm tired" I tell him.

"Oh not get much sleep Sidle" Greg starts again.

I roll my eyes, now wishing I'd put him in the trunk. "I was at the arcade with Lindsay" I tell him, "Now shut up and get in"

They do all get in, and just as I'm about to slide into the passenger seat I hear my name been called, "Sara" turning slowly I know just who that is.

Gil Grissom, he's stood in the doorway of the lab. Shit! This isn't what I need right now. I walk over to him, "Grissom?" I asked.

"There's been a change of plan; you're going solo…B and E. Here is the address" he hands me the paper. Oh my god, please tell me he's kidding. B and E, I look up to she he isn't joking, he's getting pay back. I pissed him off in the break room and this is his revenge sending me to this god damn B and E.

"What?"

"You hared me, B and E – solo. There will be an officer at the scene. And then, if you finish up you got paper work." I hate him right now.

"What ever…" I turn and walk away. Okay then, when I said that Catherine's family weren't on board with our relationship I forgot that neither was Grissom. I mean he wasn't as blatant about it as her sister was but… this is what it's like, I get the worst cases. I get the sly comments. And what's best – I get this –

"Oh and by the way Sara?"

I turn to face him, "Yeah"

"I got a conference for you to attend. In Boston… we'll talk about it when you get back"

_Solo B and E_ and _Conference in Boston_ is all that needs to be said. Shit, right now I want to hand my badge in, I hate this. What have I really done to him to make him act like this? Right now I want to kick in the side of my Denali but I decide against it- instead I walk up and pull open the door growling "Guys, change of plan"

**_tbc...thanks for reading _**


	4. Chapter 4

**My Worst Fear****  
**

**Part 4**

_thankyou all for reviewing, It means alot to me. Heres your next part. And i'll try and have another one up soon_**  
**

Come on, end of shift!  
End of shift…  
Only an hour to go and I have never been happier to be leaving this place. Standing up I shut the file in my hand, the paper work for the B and E Grissom had sent me on – simple case, nothing too taxing- a young addict looking for ways to make money for his next fix. Took only a few hours of shit to get him into custody, my work there was done – final. Now I knew just where I had to go, to the office of One _Gill Grissom_ – I hope he isn't there because I really don't want to get into it. The arguments, and then be ordered to go to Boston. The last thing I want right now is to be pulled away from my life for a pointless conference… I know why he's doing it, because he knows that it will annoy the hell out of me. I walk down the corridors and happen to look into one of the labs to see Greg and Nick working over evidence – I should be in there right now! Sure as hell would have been more interesting that the B and E and all the paper work. I just shrug and continue on my way –

It's then that I see the door to Grissom's office, here goes nothing. _Please don't be in there_! Pushing it open slowly I notice him sat at his desk, but a very recognizable blond is sat in front of him, her back to me. I lean on the doorway thankful to be un noticed as I listen to them talk. His voice is soft, caring…

'_Cath, you don't have to worry' _he tells her, I stand there wondering, How come she gets _Soft and Caring Gil_ and I get the _cold emotionless Grissom?_

'It's when he reaches over and takes her hand that I become more interested. _'Its fine Catherine, I'm here for you'_

She just sighs, I don't know what going on and the truth is I don't care. Pushing the door now open I speak with little hesitation. "Sorry to break this up…" I growl, "There's your paper work. You have anymore slow cases to throw my way, beep me" I drop the folder on the desk without another word. I don't know what I just saw in there, I really don't but what I do know is that I'm jealous. She was upset – it's my job to comfort her!

She went to him – why? What the hell have I done to be treated like this?

By him and her!

-------

"You're a hard girl to get hold of you know that right" even though I have my head in the bonnet of my Tahoe in the garages I would know that voice anywhere. I chose to ignore it. Did she ever think I never wanted to be found? And why the hell is my Denali playing up? Standing back a little I take my head out of the engine and lean my elbows on the metal. I don't respond, just stand quiet. I can't help but think maybe I went a little over board earlier – I mean, maybe it was just how Grissom was acting that had pissed me off. And maybe I've been thinking too much about what people have said –

But the words keep rolling around in my head –

'_Does mom hate Dad?' _yep, that had been the start of it, Lindsey's question got me thinking. I know that Catherine still feels something for Ed. I know she does – I don't know what it is exactly but…it's something.

'_So what did Gris do this time? Make a pass at your girl' _Greg's words, I mean why the hell did he have to go and say it? Having me thing Grissom had a soft spot for my Girl was bad enough but to hear someone say it. DAMN! I throw the tool in my hand to the car and growl.

"My car's leaking oil" I explain. She doesn't give a damn about my car; she wants to know why I'm acting like this. She's blaming herself – truth is that I don't know whose fault this is. "I can't fix it…" Some how I think she understands I'm not talking about my car right now. I'm talking about me, I can't fix my head- when I get things like this floating around in my mind I let it eat away at me.

"You want to talk to me about what happened back there?" She asks.

"No" straight out, I don't want to talk about it. I'm sick of talking about my feelings. I just want Grissom to back off, I want her family to leave us be, I want everything to be easy – but it isn't. It's hard, too hard. "I want to get my Denali back into working condition"

"There's people here you can get to do that you know" She tells me.

"I want to fix it…" I explain, I still haven't looked at her. I'm looking down at my engine. I want to fix everything, my car, my feelings, her heart I know had been broken so many times before, Lindsey's problems. I just want them all to be okay. I want us to be okay.

"You know you can't fix everything…its okay to ask for help"

Oh great, now she's treating me like I'm five! I don't know why I'm mad at her, I mean – I think I'm blowing things out of proportion, letting my mind see things that aren't real, Reading into it all too much.

"Help? You think I need help?"

"You're trying to pick an argument with me" She says calmly.

An argument! I want an argument with her? I shake my head, "I don't need help…" I tell her. "I need to know what the hell is going on with me, what the hell is happening. And why my Denali is fucked up!" this time I do kick my boot into the bottom of my truck. I'm covered in oil, all over my hands so I reach for the towel on my shoulder and wipe my hands before slamming down the bonnet.

An unhealthy silence fills the air. I shrug my shoulders – I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to cause more trouble – it's just all getting too much for me. "I wasn't flirting with Gil or what ever the hell you think it is you walked in on" she tells me.

I turn and look at her for the first time, "are you oblivious to everything that goes on?" I ask, "Or do you choose to ignore it?"

"What are talking about…?"

"Nothing" I cut her off, I don't want to do this. I force myself to calm down, "Forget it"

"No...Not this time Sara…you need to talk to me"

"Don't tell me what I have to do Cath, don't tell me what to do!" My god what is wrong with me. I turn my back and walk over to put the tool on the side, "I don't know how to fix this" I sigh.

"Fix what Hun?"

Why is she still been nice to me? "How I feel about you…it's something I've never felt before. It's hurting so much Cath. It's driving me crazy – it's so strong"

"I know" She cuts me off, she walks over and takes my hand, "I know baby, I feel it to. I feel it all…it's hard to breath right?" I nod my head as I look into her eyes, "You're the only one I think about Sara…"

"I'm just scared" I finally explain. Leaning on the work surface, "Scared I'm going to screw this up…"

"You can screw up all you like Sara, but I'll never stop loving you. I'm here for ever" she tells me, this is the hardest thing to hear her say. Why would she want me? What have I got to give her? "Please tell me what happened in the office?"

I look into her eyes, they draw me in yet again. "How can I tell you something I have no idea about? I walked in, I was already pissed at Grissom for the B and E and all that shit and I saw him. Holding your hand, comforting you…I just. I'm scared I'm losing you" It's the truth, I'm scared that Ed, or Grissom or one of the many other guys I see looking at her are going to take her away from me.

She shakes her head, "You don't have to worry about that"

"Don't I" I sigh.

"No" She takes my hand, "Come on. Let's get out of this place…Shift's over"

----

Yeah shift was over, and I was confused as to why Catherine was acting the way she was. If I was her I would have pulled me to pieces and had the biggest argument ever back there but she hadn't. She was caring, soft…sweet. Why?

I'm getting my stuff from my locker; the whole team is in the locker room now. Nick and Warrick were talking about the Texan's new _victim_ HIS NEXT Date. Catherine was searching for something in the tip of a locker she refuses to clean out because she _'knows where everything is, it all has its place' _yeah, right. And Greg is sat on the bench – something's not right with him but I decide it's not the right time to ask about it. I mean, if he goes ten minuets without having something to say – something is wrong.

"How did the B and E go Sar?"

I let out a laugh, "Drugged up teenager looking to fund his next hit. Nothing to exciting…" I tell him. He knows that I'm less than happy been pulled from the DB case he and Greg now have. Any of them would have been and what was worse is that they are all seeing it becoming a regular thing. At least these guys are happy for me and Catherine.

"Thrilling" Nick sighed, "You might get a big case up tomorrow if you lucky"

"Yeah…if I'm lucky" I mumble. Then take my jacket and put it on just in time to have Grissom enter.

"Sara…for you" he holds out an envelope – "Any questions you know where to find me" he leaves the room. God damn him, what is it with the odd entrances and exits. They are all looking at me expectantly. It doesn't take me long to read the letter not even a minuet before I react. I slam my locker, loud enough for all in the room to be surprised that the door stayed on the hinges before I took off out of the locker room.

----

"I'm not going"

"Sorry?" he asks looking at me from his desk; I don't even bother to shut the office door I really don't care who sees me, who sees this argument.

"I'm not going to Boston" I tell him, throwing the letter back down on his desk, he can't do this to me, and I'm not letting him have this control over me.

"lab policy Sara, you have to go on three of these things a year, You and Nick are the only ones who haven't reached that total – and Nick has to go to Texas on the Monday to Wednesday for a wedding so…you're the only one left" Convenient huh? Sure it was.

"You know what; I think you need to be straight with me. What the hell have I done?" I don't want to do this shit anymore, I just want to sort this out – I want to get what ever the hell is wrong with him out in the open.

"Sara, this isn't anything…it's just a conference in Boston that you are required by the contract you signed when you agreed to work here to go to. You got me? Don't take it personally!"

"Is it me and Catherine?" I ask, "Is that what's eating you up?" I'm standing over his desk, he's not my boss anymore, and right now he's just pissing me off.

"Why would it effect me Sara, I told you – I'm happy for you both"

"Then what is it? Why are you always throwing me the shit cases? Why do I keep getting the remarks, the looks? If it's not about me and Catherine then what is it about?" I'm making him angry, I see that. And you know what it is don't you, I've made him feel. I've cause some kind of emotion to fill up in him.

He stands up walks around his office and slams the door shut, "Take a seat" he says calmly. I think about refusing but decide against it when I see his face. He walks around and sits back behind his desk – "You want to know why I've been off with you for the past few weeks?"

_Well yeah? That's why I asked _I think. Man what the hell is going on, I nod my head.

"Remember the Dillon case?"

_Shit, the Dillon Case! _"Yeah I remember"

"You know the guy? The suspect…"

_Damn it!_

"Yeah…I remember" in my own way I'm telling him I understand – and know just what he is about to say, "Who told you?"

"It doesn't matter, but it should have been you…" He growled, "You knew him, yet you still worked that case." He shouted, "What the hell were you thinking?"

Damn, I thought I'd got away with this one. I know why he's pissed, and it's not because of Catherine and Me – it's because of me, just ME! Funny thing is though, even now that I'm sitting here – that I'm looking at the disappointment in his face I know I wouldn't have changed what I did. If I had another chance I would have done it the same way. "I was thinking that –I don't know" I sigh, "when he was brought in all that I knew was that…he didn't do it. I didn't care what the evidence said. I knew him… I just, I wanted to work the case" I explained.

"When you have a personal interest in the case, I'M TOLD" he shouted like I've never seen him shout. "I thought you GOT THAT! If he was guilty"

"I know" I shout standing to me feet, "If he was guilty DA could have voiced the evidence, and the case would have been destroyed. The reputation of the Lab, my Job, I'd have lost it all. I let the team down, I let myself down…I know Grissom, I get it all" Wow was that an emotional out burst or what? I couldn't face him anymore so I turned my back.

"No Sara I don't think you do get it…sure, I care about the lab, and I care even more about the team. But that wasn't what bothered me…because there isn't one person out there on the team that hasn't in someway or another jeopardized the team, or labs reputation. What you did, it was bordering on self destructive. You get that?" Okay, I'm lost, now as I'm standing here it sounds like I'm getting the _'caring Grissom' _and I have to admit I've missed this. I see him as a father figure to me – and I need his guidance. I get that. So I turn back, I have no words, I just look at him. "Sara if he was found guilty, you were to emotionally attached, you'd blame yourself, you would have let it burn you out. You one of the best Sara, don't let anyone take it from you…"

Let me get this straight, me and Catherine thing isn't what's been pissing him off? It was the Dillon case. "he was like a brother to me" I mumble, back when I was a kid…I couldn't…" I sigh. Man, why was this so hard. I walk back and take my seat – "I just…I knew that if I told you I'd be off the case. And I couldn't have lived with it if he'd been sent down and I hadn't even tried to help."

"I get that…I really do…but Sara, I'm not going to lose you from my team because of some case. If you came, and told me – I would have done all I could. You need to talk to me – and if you can't. Talk to Catherine" I just nod my head, it's too much for me to continue so I stand, "Can I…" I motion for the door.

"Yeah but listen to me Sara, if you ever do something like this again. I'm going to have to deal with it."

I nod my head.

"And Boston isn't my way of getting you out of here, or punishing you. It's my way of forcing you to get out of the lab for a week, go to the conference. Expenses are paid for by the lab. Rest, sort your head out. And come back in here…"

I nod my head and I turn heading towards the door, "Oh and Sara…"

"Yeah?"

"I'm happy for you…both of you"

**_tbc...how long will the happiness last?_**

**_thanks for reading guys and loving the reviews, the help my muse ;)_**


	5. Chapter 5

**My worst fear **

**Part 5 **

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine" I explain, as we head through the streets of Las Vegas – she's concerned about me. I can't blame her after the way I walked out of the locker room – and now here I am not really talking much.

"You don't look it"

"Maybe a little stressed…" I tell her, I owe her something. So I turn my head and look at the woman driving. God she's beautiful, she's perfect. I have everything "…I'm going to have to leave" I explain.

Catherine turned her head quickly, and I'm actually surprised she didn't hit the car in front, "What?" She asked, "You're…leaving"

"No, I mean…yes. For a week, I have to head to Boston" I hate Gil right now. I mean, I was pulling this all together right. I was getting to grips with the new set up. But I understand why he's sending me…and to be honest I realized that this is something I have to do.

" Boston?" She asks.

"Yeah…conference, I'm the only CSI available that hasn't come to the quota" I explained, "I can't get out of it."

"You tried?"

Have I tried, is she serious, she wants reassurance that I tried to get out of it so that I would be with her for that week. "Of course I have, you think I want to go to Boston?" I offer softly.

"SO that's what the letter was?"

"Yeah…"

"You have another argument with him then?" Catherine knew me to well.

"Yeah…"

"are you going to say more than 'yeah'?"

"Not right now…" I tell her, looking back out the window, "What do you thinks wrong with my Tahoe?"

"God knows…"

"I don't like leaving it at the lab?"

"Okay at first I ignored it but what's this strong bond you have with your car?" Catherine asked, there is a smile playing on her lips though I am only to aware that she is sick of me covering over my emotions. I can't help it – habit I suppose.

"Sorry" I offer.

"Don't be" She tells me, concentrating back on the road she moves her hand and takes mine in hers, entwining our fingers. How do I get strength from that? Maybe Grissom was right, I do need to talk to someone. Turning now so my back is rested on the door behind me I'm facing her – I know what I feel, so much love it's unbearable but I can't say it. How do I make her understand what I feel with out those exact words?

"See anything you like?" I must have been staring at her for a while, because she breaks into my thoughts with that smile of hers that manages to light up my world.

I don't respond just tighten my hand on hers, say something for gods sakes. "You drive me crazy you know that" I tell her,

"In a good way" she asks

"In a great way" I nod my head. Then lean back on the window looking at where are hands meet – "Grissom told me, I needed to talk to someone … because, I'm going to burn out if I don't" It's hard for me, this whole admitting I'm not invincible and I think she knows just how hard because she tightens her hand on mine – okay just because I've admitted that I need to talk to her doesn't mean I'll do it now. Instead I decided to get her to talk – "What are you most scared of?"

She looks confused, what can I say – I feel like acting a little crazy today. I can't help it. "What do you mean?" She asks.  
"I mean, right now, this minuet what are you scared of?"

"Losing the people I love" She explains, she doesn't even need to think about it, "What about you?"

She turns the Tahoe off the main road and onto smaller residential roads and we are getting closer to her house. It's funny, I spend more time here than in my own apartment. I try and run away from feelings but I can't, not anymore – I need to try and do this. "Hurting you and Lindsey!" I explain. I notice something, something I've never seen before – an emotion I'm not to sure I've meet in her eyes. She turns her head and looks into my eyes longingly. "I'm scared all the time" I explain.

She doesn't respond, she turns the SUV into the driveway of her house and unclips her belt turning of the ignition- she turns to face me. She hasn't said a word and that hurts a little – but then I see something, love. She softly moves into me, not rushed, not lust filled – pure love. She moves a hand to my neck and that causes a warm sensation to run down my back. He lips meet softly with my own. It's not hungry; not wanting…it's soft yet deep. She wants to take it further as her hands move to my waist and the mouth opens slightly giving me access. After a long moment, reluctantly she pulled back. Her face was flushed, her eyes were black with need and desire, huskily she replied – "There is nothing to be scared of when it comes to me. You can never hurt me enough to make me leave"

I unclip my own belt and go in to kiss her again, she moves her hand to my shoulders though and keeps me at a distance. I'm confused, what's she doing. She moves forward her lips against my ear and speaks, "Let's take this inside"

----

Sometimes I don't think she knows what she does to me. I'm lay on my back looking at the ceiling – I'm trying to regain my steady breathing as she's lay next to me doing the same. She smiles, and moves over to me, still a little breathless she moves an arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder. I moved an arm around her shoulders and held her close. I'm so happy right now, I'm on a high.

"I love you Sar" She mumbles.

"You to" I say, god I do love her more than I'd ever be able to show her.

There is a silence, a few minuets where we just lay here in the aftermath of our love "Why do you do that?" She asks, looking up at me, breaking the silence.

I look into her eyes, unsure what she's talking about. "Do what?"

"You never say I love you" She sounds - not hurt, more confused. I would be to, I mean what person can't utter the words _I love you? _This person here - and she has picked up on it. I shift uncomfortably beneath her, she senses this. "What is it that stops you from saying it baby?" She places her lips softly under my neck as she urges me to answer. I close my eyes. Her kisses trail up my neck to behind my ear. As she moves a hand up my waist and caresses my skin. She drives me crazy.

"I want to" I tell her as I take a short breath trying to keep focused on my thoughts and not about what she's doing to me.

"Why don't you?" She asks again.

"Because…I…" She stops the kisses and brings her hand up to my face where she cups my cheek – I can't do this. I look away from her and back to the ceiling – I can feel the tears building in my eyes. She sees this also.

"Baby?" She's worried about me now. I'm starting to think I'm crazy myself.

"I've…" I need to explain, "I…err…" My voice isn't holding up – it's cracking, "I want to, I've tried to say it…so many times but…I can't"

"You don't have to" She tells me, trying to make it okay "I know how you feel"

"I want to though" I tell her, I turn back to her now, and move my arms around her tightly. I'm lay on my side, and she's on hers – our faces only inches apart. I move my hand to her lower back and pull her closer to me – I want her to know that she isn't the problem. I am. I'm the one who's got the problem. "I really do. I just…can't…because the last person I said it to…they…they were killed in …err…" I stop, thinking, trying to find the words – "in an RTA hours after. I haven't said it since then…" Tears are now making their way down my face, she wipes them away, and then presses her lips into mine – reassuringly. I don't want to be reassured anymore I want to show her I love her – so I deepen the kiss, pulling back slightly – our lips still touching I murmur breathlessly "I'm yours"

She closes her eyes; I can feel her pulse rising.

"You still scared?" She asked.

"Only of how much control you have over me" I tell her before bringing her into another passion filled kiss.

Even though I can't say it, doesn't mean I can't show my love.

-------------

Ah, no…stop…the phone again. Memo to self unplug that in future. It stirs me from my sleep – she is still tangled up in me, good. This time I can stop her from answering it. "Sara" I hear her but I don't open my eyes, why can't I just get some me and her time?

"Mm, leave it" I mumble, "I don't w…ant to move" my voice was broken having just awoke.

"I'm on call" She reminds, she doesn't sound like she's that awake and she tries to pull free – pushing me off. I give into her – and move enough for her to lean over and grab her phone.

Then I lay my head back down on her chest, happy to lay and listen to the soft beating of her heart. "Willows" Even on her house phone, god – if I didn't love the way she answered her phone so much I'd tell her to be less '_enforcer of the law'_ like. "Sorry…I must have left it in the other room" I hared her say – that's the lab, that's Grissom – I know it is. Can't murders take a break? Is it too much to ask?

I need to talk to her as well – I just need someone to talk about that god damn case that I fucked up massively on. Looks like it's have to wait huh? "Can you give me an hour and swing by to pick me up?" She asked, and then sighed, "Fine…fine I'll see you in half…" She cut her phone off groaning.

My voice is needy I know it is – "Quit your job" I tell her, as I lower my lips to the skin beneath me offering a soft kiss.

"And then we can stay in bed together as long as we like" She mumbled with a smile.

"I like the sound of that" I smiled, "Damn you woman- you got me all needy"

"Well as long as it's me you need and no one else"

"It's always you" I tell her, and then I understand she needs to go so I move my body from hers. She offers me an apologetic look – and then presses her lips softly into mine. "Did you still want to talk with me?"

I must have looked a little lost, so she explained, "In my car…you said you needed to talk…and then you ran as far away from the convocation" She had a soft smile playing on her lips. I didn't answer I just looked up at her … come on for god sake talk to her. She seemed to understand that her psychotic girlfriend needed some time because she lent forward kissing me lightly again saying – "I have all the time in the world…so take as long as you like"

I just nodded my head and sigh lightly as she moves from the bed. I watch as she reaches for her shirt from earlier and slips it on before heading to the bathroom. When she's left I turn, now lay in the center of the safest place I know looking at the ceiling above me – I did need to talk to her, about a lot of stuff…the case, the revelation I made earlier about the reason I couldn't tell her of my love – about her talking to Lindsey.

I was lay thinking about all this when I see her walk into the room now fully dressed and ready to head out to work. "Sorry I'm leaving you again" She offers as she takes her phone from the side.

"Don't be …it's the job, I get it better than anyone" I offer.

"I'll call Kate on my way…tell her to pick Lindsey up from here."

"Does she need to be picked up from school?" I ask, I'm happy that I'm able to help out Catherine, I want to make her happy.

"No, she's getting a lift from on of her friends mothers." She explained.

"Well, I'll drop her off at Kate's on my way to work" I tell her.

Confusion crosses over her face, "You do know you are offering to head on over to my sister – right? Like, as in me not begging you?" I'm aware of that.

"Yeah"

"Are you feeling okay?" She asks.

I smile, "Yeah, I'm feeling fine. Your sisters is near my apartment and I have to go grab the last of my stuff before the lease is up next week – so it's on my way"

"As long as it's okay with you then. I don't want you to feel like I'm loading my kid off onto you."

"Hey, I don't at all" I tell her. She smiles, "Okay then, I have to go…don't miss me too much" she lent over me and kisses me softly. Before I can grab hold of her she pulls back with a smirk – "No time" She explained, "See you later – I'm getting a lift from Gil so, you got my Tahoe"

"Okay- thanks. And be careful baby" I say, I can't help but worry about her.

"Will do - Love you…"

"You to babe" I respond.

---------

"Hey there kiddo" I greet as I pull the door open, Lindsey is standing there smiling.

"Hey Sara" She smiles, then turns to the car that just dropped her off, "Thanks" She called. I look across to the woman who was driving, "Thanks a lot" I smile. I get a no problem before the woman leaves. I usher the young blond into the house. "Good day?"

"Yeah" she nods.

"Alright then, mom got called in again so It's just you and me" I tell her.

She nods her head, sometimes I do feel sorry for her – she doesn't see Catherine a lot at all, and I mean I'm no substitute for Catherine. "She coming home later?"

"no…she's got a long shift. She's going to pick you up tomorrow though…its Saturday right."

She throws her bag to the floor, "So we get the whole day" She beams.

"That's right…the whole day" I tell her. "Here, give me your coat"

She takes it off and throws it my way, "You coming?" she asks.

"Sorry hun…no can do" I have a court hearing tomorrow, and then I have a shift so I won't see either of them much. "I'll try and stop by for my break but…it's just you and your mom. Give the two of you some time" I smiled. They needed some time.

"Okay, go get washed up…and grab some stuff. We are heading out"

She runs off. I can't help but smirk.

-------

We've been driving for a little over ten minuets and I decided to talk to her, "hey kiddo, you know what you said to me yesterday?"

She looked nervous "Yeah"

"Well I was thinking that you know tomorrow when you and your mom have some time together…"

"Yeah"

"Well maybe you could talk with her about it. And I promise you that she wont be angry. I think she needs to know though and I don't want to break your trust and tell her but…I really think that you should."

She seems to be thinking about it, then she looks at me – "She won't be mad?"

"I promise you…she'll make it feel better. She always does right?"

"Yeah… kind of." She then uses a technique that I'm told by Catherine 'I taught her' – "Where are we going?"

"My apartment, you Kiddo are about to see the mess I call my things and help me get them into the back of the Tahoe – then, I'll drop you of at your aunts. And how about I try not to fight with her tonight…" I no what I have to do, "I'm sorry about last night"  
"It's okay…" She's used to it by now but it doesn't stop my guilt.

"By the way, I say that you did your homework before you watched TV then you have to say that I didn't make the mess in the kitchen" I smirk, the mess was an understatement. It was like a bomb had gone off. Cooking didn't go well, we ended up eating a frozen pizza – "and don't tell her I fed you pizza again"

"Deal"

I smile, and then just as I'm about to turn off the main road I look into my mirror – suddenly I hear Lindsey scream, fear- pure fear. Swinging around I saw what had her so upset – a car came down towards up – on the wrong side of the road – it was heading straight for us –

**_…there was nothing I could do!_**

****

**_tbc...more soon _**_thankyou all soooo much for reading and sending reviews my way. You lot are the best. :D  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**My worst fear **

**Part 6**

How can this happen to me? How! I don't deserve this. I should have been the one to be hurt. Not her, never her. I'm lay in the room they threw me in over a half hour ago- trying to hold back the tears. The emergency crews have assured me they were doing all they could. They wouldn't tell me a god damn thing though - There was blood, all over me but I was numb. Totally out of it all – all I knew was that Lindsey was hurt and it was my fault. They had given me some kind of sedative to keep me calm because I had lost it in the ambulance and then again when they tried to fix up my own wounds. At one point I'm sure that they had three medical staff holding me down.

Looking at my hands I wonder why this is the only injuries I got. A broken wrist, a concussion, cuts and lacerations all over and a deep gash above my eye - How come, why hadn't it been worse for me? I should have been the one in there – unconscious – not her.

I have no idea how long it has been now, everything is just a blur, all the moments have crushed up into on long nightmare – so I couldn't tell you how long it has been since the accident, or how long it's been since I reached across and tried to help an unconscious Lindsey before the emergency crews arrived – it's all one big mess that never should have happened. And I haven't even been injured that bad, the car hit her side of the truck, she took the worst of it. She's the one suffering right now. Why?

I have been staring ahead of me at the wall for a long while now, at the wall praying that she's going to be okay. It's then that the door opens, breaking into everything. "Sara?" The voice sounds relieved, I tried to look at who ever it was but couldn't. I was re living the moment I hurt one of the only people I gave a damn about. "Shit Sidle… don't do this to me" the voice said. Then I felt someone take my hand that wasn't injured and I looked there way. It was Greg, he pulled me into a hug – I still hadn't spoken or reacted.

"Lindsey" I manage though my voice is barely audible and I try not to succumb to the tears. "I…she…"

"Shush…don't" He managed, "Catherine's talking with the doctors right now with Warrick…it's going to be okay"

I shake my head, nothing is going to be okay. Tears silently fall down my cheek, what have I done. I feel like I've ended everything – I'll never forgive myself for this. I'm happy to have someone here now though, I grip tight onto his hand. "Gre…g" I don't know what to do.

"Sara honey, shush…" He soothes me,

"How is, Lindsey?" I finally manage.

"I'm not sure, I think she's had to go into surgery though…" He explained. That was all that I needed to hear to push me over the edge. I pull away from Greg, I don't want to be touched right now.

Looking out towards the door that's when it opens, Catherine walks in, she looks distraught…I've done that to her. I've made her feel like this. Tears fall faster, and there is no way that I can control them now. My head is pounding and the only thing I can hear are the terrified scream of her daughter – I made her that scared.

"Sar…" Catherine finally manages she walks over at a fast pace and takes the hand that Greg had been holding. Greg and Warrick had now backed up to the doorway, and were just watching as Catherine reached out and pulled me into her – the both of us were crying now.

"I'm…so…s…sorry" I stuttered, I was shaking and I couldn't help it. She ran her hand up and down my back, comforting me. I didn't deserve this not after what I've done.

"Sara, I thought you were…" She manages, "I can't lose you"

"I'm…so sorry" I repeat again, "I…Lindsey"

The name of her daughter is all that she needs to hear to cause her to break down, I now find myself holding her. Her legs go from beneath her as she fall into me, I'm holding all her weight as her head moves into my neck she's shaking in my grasp. I did this…

I tell her again, the only thing I've been able to say – "Sorry!"

-------------

It's been an hour and a half now and Lindsey is still in surgery – I look to where Catherine Is sat at my side and holding my hand. "What happened?" She asked me. Locking eyes with me – I think she'd cried all the tears she could now. I could just see pure fear.

"I…she…" I stumble, come on – you just nearly killed her child, the least you can do is explained. I have never hated myself as much as I do right now. "The car came…out of no where – it was on…the wrong side of …the…the road. It hit the…the Tahoe, Lindsey got the brunt of…the force." I stopped when I saw her whole self die inside. I've hurt her. She pulls her hand from mine and stands up.

"She hasn't regained consciousness Sara" She growls, "I can't lose her. Tell me she'll be okay – please"

I can't do that, I really can't tell her that because I saw what happened in that accident, I saw Lindsey hit of the dash, I saw the blood. It's an image that I will never forget. It's in this moment that I decide I can't do this. I stand up from the bed. Happy to see that my jeans, though blood-soaked were still on me – I had a hospital gown on over then though.

It took a lot for me to stand and it didn't take Catherine long to start – "Sara…lay down. You need to…"

I held my hand up to cut her off, "I can't lay here…I'm not" I tell her. With my one good hand I push on the bed for leverage and manage to land on my feet though I can't take my wait. Catherine is there and manages to catch me before I hit the floor. She's holding my in her arms for a moment – then I nod my head letting her know I have control. The pain is unbearable but there is no way I'm staying her.

-------

I'd signed myself out, against the doctor's orders a little over a half hour ago now and the two of us were still waiting for news on Lindsey. I was now in Greg's shirt which he'd kindly offered after the doctor told me the shirt that I had been wearing had been cut up when they were at the scene in order to treat me. So here I was, sat in the waiting room, the relative's room so we had some time to ourselves, we knew guys at this hospital so they had allowed us to have this room to ourselves. Greg was out getting coffee and Catherine was stood over by the doorway just looking at he floor. To be honest I was finding it hard to even look her in the eyes. I've hurt the most precious thing in her world yet here she was, still willing to hold my hand, still willing to even look at me. I couldn't understand.

"Sar?" Her worn tone cuts in. I've never hared her sound so lost, so empty before.

I look at her; I don't trust my own voice so I just look her way, "Hold me?" She asks.

I don't believe this. After everything she still wants me near her – why?

I stand up, slowly as I feel every part of my body ach – I limp over to her, my legs struggle to hold me up but I don't care – I fight through the pain – and move my arms around the woman who I love more than anything. What did I do to her? She nods her head and rest against my shoulder – she doesn't cry, I think she's numb right now, she's thinking about her daughter, praying. I push my hand through her hair and hold her head into me.

"I'm so sorry Cath" I haven't said much to her but I need to say this now, "I just…I was driving down the street, one minuet…I was talking…then this…and…I" I'm mumbling, she sighs, a deep sigh and she leans back then presses her head against my forehead.

"Don't" She says…

"I…"

"Sara"

I look to the floor – "Please, shout at me…hit me…just… I…" I wanted her to hit me, or push me away, I deserve it. I really do. I mean, I have hurt Lindsey; I've put her in here – in this hospital.

"Don't…you can't do this. Not now…I need you here"

"I'm just…"

"Sara, I'm not going to hit you or shout at you. It was an accident…I don't blame you" She hugs me tighter and the tears start again – both mine and hers tumble down out face. I feel so sick; my heart is beating so fast…

After around five minuets of me holding her and letting her cry into me she eventually stepped back, "You okay?" she was asking me if I was okay,

"Yeah" I managed weakly.

"Sara you should still be in that hospital bed" she says

"No…I can't…I'm fine"

They'd fixed me up as best as they could – what use was it lying around in a bed? No, I needed to be here.

"Hey guys"

I look to my side to see Greg walk in, he's not wearing his shirt anymore he's got a white vest t shirt on and I feel a little guilty. "I got you two some coffee."

"Thanks" Catherine manages weakly. I let her go from my grip and she walks over to him, I however can't take this much longer. "I need to go…" I tell them.

"Where?"

"I don't know…I just…" I walked over to the door, "I won't be far."

She just nods knowing I need time. I look at Greg and see that he'll look after her. Then leave.

---------

Sometimes I wonder if there is a god, I mean – there can't be. I haven't believed in the longest of times but stuff like this just highlighted the lack of compassion from any kind of god. There are time's after work when I live through some of my very worst cases that I drive away in my Tahoe and sit outside some church – I don't know why I do it – I just do. But I don't believe, not now, not since I watched my Dad beat my mom religiously ever night when he rolled in drunk. No god would let that happen.

"You…you fucking bitch"

I turn my head, it pains me to do so but proceed. Instantly I see Eddie coming towards me. He's angry, he has every right to be. I force my self to stand despite the pain I'm in. "Eddie" I say, looking his way.

"Don't…you could have killed my daughter" he screamed, I wasn't sure if he'd been drinking, doing drugs or was just pissed of and angry. I didn't care to be honest I just stood there looking at him – he's no saint, he's the worst guy in the world, he's just like my dad, he'd beat Catherine up in front of Lindsey when the two were married, he'd spend all his money on drugs and drink but…he was a father, Lindsey's father and he had a right to be hurting. I wasn't going to take that away from him. It's when he got to me and took hold of Greg's shirt pinning me up to the wall I realized that he was going to take his anger out on me.

"I'm sorry" I offered, I've been saying that a lot since I came around.

"You're sorry…tell that to my Daughter, to my Wife" His wife, HIS WIFE. I look him dead in the eyes, she wasn't his wife – she will never be his again. I'd have fort back, even in my injured state but to be honest, deep down this is what I wanted, I wanted to be hurt, to be blamed – because I blamed myself. Any other time I'd mouth of about how she wasn't his but right now – the only thing I could think about were his words –

**_you could have killed my daughter_**

"What you got nothing to Say?" He growled, he pushed me back against the wall again "I'm sorry" I tell him again.

"No you don't get to be sorry – don't sit round here looking like your world is about to end. That's my kid, not yours."

"I love her" I tell him, "I never wanted to hurt her"

"Well you have, you've put my kid in hospital and my wife is broken. You think your going to make it through this? I'm going to kill you for this" His face was inches from mine now. "She's not your's, Catherine will never be yours. You're not having my family"

He grabs my hair and pulled my head back, I just looked him in the face – "Don't think she's ever yours. I'm still the one she sees in her head when she's with you. I'm still the father of her daughter – she'll always be mine. Her and Lindsey, And I'm going to get them back… both of them."

"HEY!" I know that voice, it's Nick.

"Your lucky day" Eddie growled; "I'll kill you for hurting my little girl" he threatened. That's all I focused on…

…I hurt Lindsey, it was me. I was driving…I did this to her.

I don't know when it was I fell to the floor, sat against the wall behind me.

Or when Nick escorted Eddie off

I have no idea when it was Grissom put his arms around my and held me into his chest –

The only thing I know is that I just lost my world…

**_TBC … more soon guys. Please tell me what you think and thank you all sooo much for the reviews._**


	7. Chapter 7

**My worst fear **

**Part 7 **

_Thank you all so much for the reviews, I'm sorry that it's taken so long to post. Life's hectic but, here it is – part 7 – tell me what you think? Love to hear you feedback - and my muse loved it too ;) _

"Mrs. Willows?" I looked up to see the doctor walk over to Catherine. I was sat in Greg's arms; I let him hold me to his chest as I rested my hand on his shoulder. For some reason I was feeling uncomfortable even looking at Catherine let alone have her hold me. Here I was sat in the corridor of the hospital – unable to face Catherine's family and Eddie who were in the waiting room. Not half hour ago Catherine had seemed to have an argument with Eddie and walked out of there but I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. Warrick was with her.

"Yes?" Catherine asked hopefully, the pain in her voice was like a knife to my already bleeding heart. She turned expectantly to the doctor.

"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long" he apologized.

With the help of Greg I was now standing still gripping onto him for support, his arm around my waist.

"Lindsey, is she okay?" Catherine asked.

The doctor smiled a little, and nodded his head. "The surgery was a success, the swelling has decreased, and I'm happy to say she woke up long enough to ask for her mother and a Sara…but the medication is taking hold and she's back asleep. But, she should be okay" His smile grew, "Your daughter has got through the worst. She's stable now."

Catherine sighed in relief and let out the breath I don't think that she was aware she was holding, she smiled herself. Shaking the doctor's hand and thanking him repeatedly I was still in shock. Lindsey was okay, I hadn't killed her. She was okay. "I'll come and get you when you can go and see her" he explained before leaving.

Catherine turned to me; she was crying now – tears of relief and happiness. She walked towards me and I was in too much shock to react, she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. Burying her head in my neck I held her. "She'll be okay" She mumbled, "It's all going to be okay"

I was crying, I really couldn't take much more – I lowered my head into her shoulder and we held each other crying. None of this was going to be okay, to be honest I was finding it hard to even look at her so holding her right now was nearing impossible.

"I'm sorry" I say, "I need to go"

"What?" She asks, stepping back, she was in shock "Lindsey want to see you"

"I can't…I'm sorry I have to leave" I tell her, I don't know what did this to me, I think it was when I looked up and Saw Eddie walk out of the room along with Catherine's sister and mother. They reminded me of what I just did; put the life of Catherine's daughter in danger. And I was still confused as to why she didn't want to kill me right now. "You have you family to take care of Cath… make sure Lindsey's okay. Tell her I'm sorry and I love her" I was trying not to cry but couldn't help it - With that I pull free from the blond who was holding me tight refusing to let go – I managed eventually and turned and walk away.

She was looking at me, confused, she called to me – "SARA!" I didn't respond - I couldn't. I limped away, holding onto my side as the pain really was becoming too much. Catherine needed to be there for Lindsey, now that I knew she was safe, that she had people to look after her I wasn't needed. So I left.

----------------

You never know what you have until you lose it, I believe that whole heartedly. Now I'm sat on a bench outside of the hospital – in my bloodied jeans and Greg's large shirt – and all I can think about is what happened today. One minuet I had everything, I had Catherine, I had Lindsey – I had happiness - and now here I am contemplating the possibility Catherine was going to dump me. Kick me out of her life. That thought alone was killing me.

I shouldn't smoke; I know that, I'd tried quitting so many times. Some things you just can't give up though, some things are out of your control. It was kind of like Catherine, well, I mean she's not some dirty habit – It's more like Catherine is my addiction, the only thing that has seemed to calm me, comfort me – help me at all lately.

I love her, I really love her.

She's the only woman I want to be with, the only person who I have ever felt like this about and now I've ruined it all. I'm such a screw up. I swear to god this is unbelievable – the first time I feel like I have something worth living for and I manage to wreck it. From the moment Catherine had kissed me, the moment she reciprocated my love, made me realize that it wasn't unrequited I knew some how, in some way, I'd fuck up – I never believed it'd be on this scale though. I thought maybe, at the worst I'd end up hurting her emotionally. Like, been unable to give her what she wanted or needed. Never did I believe I could be this stupid. Eddie was right, this was my fault. Catherine trusted me with Lindsey and what did I give her back in return?

I'll tell you what I gave her, hell;

I ripped the only woman I've loved into the fiery depths of her fear.

I gave her what may have been, and will always be the worst god damn hours she'll ever live through.

I couldn't have hated myself more right now even if I tried.

Night was in full force, and I didn't care that I was looking like some loser out on a park bench. My clothes covered in the blood and tears that the events had brought out – and numerous fag ends dubbed out on the floor. I didn't care about any of this, not anymore. The only thing I gave a damn about were the people I loved, the people in that hospital room who I should be with right now but I'm too much of a cowered. I'm a loser. Have I mentioned I hate myself – only a hundred times huh? Oh god, what am I going to do?

Pushing my hand into my hair I cry, loud, long sobs. I can't help it. I know that the passing pedestrians are thinking about walking up and offering me help that I'm more than sure I look as though I need – or to run as far away as they can. I know what I'd do if I were them - and my option meant no comforting words were needed.

"Sar?" I hared my name after I felt the hand on my shoulder. I knew instantly who it was. And I did nothing but move so I was able to lean against him – he moved his arm and protectively wrapped them around me. I was safe, physically, but emotionally there was nothing anyone could do. He ran his hand up and down my back as you would do to comfort a child. This was it, the most violent breakdown yet. He was scared, I didn't blame him – I'd have been scared. They had never seen my like this, I'm the emotionless one. I'm the one who deals with my problems using anger, not this, this _sadness_. The word it rolls off my tongue bitterly – sadness, SADNESS! It's sickening;

_I'm not this kind of person. _

**_I'm not this person. _**

I hope that if I keep telling myself that it'll work, that I'll wake up in a cold sweat – this been one of _them_ nightmares. I'm not a religious person but right now I'm praying that Catherine's arms will wrap around my tense body and wake me. That I'll be able to look into her eyes without the guilt, I'll be able to let her hold me without the fear of hurting her more, that she'll once again be able to touch my body without me pulling away. That I can look into her eyes and know she doesn't hate me.

Right now, that isn't something that I can do.

"Sar you need to breath" He comforted, I couldn't I was having trouble even getting shallow breaths. Everything was hurting me – my head was splitting, and I was sure I was still suffering the concussion- my broken wrist and other injuries weren't helping me either. I gripped, with my uninjured hand on his shirt as if he was my last life line – if I let him go I'd fade away.

He was there, for as long as it took me to cry myself out - I'm not sure just how long it was. A few minuets, five maybe – so now here we were – I was still lying into his chest but I wasn't crying anymore, I couldn't. All I could do was sit here, and manage to keep my eyes open. I was exhausted. "I'm sorry" I manage – roughly, my voice strained.

"Nothing to apologies for" he tells me.

There is, there's a lot to be sorry for. "You shouldn't have to deal with me like this"

"Hey, I'm your friend; I wouldn't have it any other way."

I'm not sure if I have the strength but I manage it, "How…is she?"

"Lindsey?"

I nod my head.

"She's woken up long enough to ask for you. But she's doing well otherwise." He explains, "Your girlfriend how ever could be doing a lot better- she would be if you were there with her – she's worried about you" he explained.

"She has her sister, and Eddie to comfort her" I tell him, my voice still strained, I'm not sure if it's from the cigarettes, the crying or the sheer emotional strain.

"She's been fighting with Eddie ever since I dragged him off you and her sister and mother are been less than understanding. She could do with you next to her Sar"

Nick has been acting like both are brothers since the start of this relationship and he realized that he didn't have a chance with me. Sure he'd still do the flirt thing, like Greg only not as bad – but we were a family and he cared for me more than my own brother had. "I can't" I explain.

"She doesn't blame you"

"She should" I tell him, I truly believe that I'd be able to take this easier if she would.

"Sar, Catherine's worried about you. She needs to know that you're okay" He tells me; as if it's something I don't know.

"I'm not okay Nick, can't you see that?" I tell him, I know this isn't his fault but I'm hurting and I have no idea how to deal with this. I stop and then ask, "Is she okay?" now I am asking about Catherine.

"She's coping, I think she's about to lose it with Eddie though. He keeps going off on one about you. And her sisters taking the opportunity to have a shot as well"

I expected nothing less, the three of them – sister, mother and ex husband had all been waiting for an opportunity like this to break me and Catherine up. What scared me the most is that they may accomplish something tonight. Eddie really was getting to me, he had made it clear he wanting his family back – and would stop at nothing to get it. "How about we head on up there…you can see Lindsey for yourself?"

"No" I tell him straight, I can't do that.

"Okay, well – I'm not letting you sit out here alone so how about you come back to mine. You can crash – and you'll feel better after a sleep" He offers. Right now, if I wasn't suck a stubborn bitch, I should still be lay in a hospital bed so maybe heading to Nicks would be the best – how could I leave her though?

"I'll tell Grissom to stay, or Greg, even Warrick looks like he's going to hang around for the rest of the night. She's not alone. And to be blunt about this – you look like hell, like death warmed up. You need to rest. You sleep, and then I'll bring you right back here…" he tells me. I give in, I know he's right. He helps me stand, "Lets get you into my Denali and then I'll go and tell them you're coming to mine" I don't respond, just let him walk me to his Car. I'm hoping he's right and that I can sort this out once I've slept.

**tbc... **


	8. Chapter 8

**My worst fear **

**Part 8**

_AN/ sorry about the long wait – writers block hit me. Sorry – but here is part 8 hope that you like ;) thanks so much for all the reviews that you sent my way_

"Can I get you anything else Sar?"

I looked up from where I was sat on Nick's sofa with my legs pulled tight into my chest to see the concern. Ever since I'd got through his front door it had been, _Sara you okay? Can I do this? Do you need that? _He wanted to help me – truth was I couldn't help myself. There's a reason I loved Las Vegas and it sure as hell wasn't for the flashing Neon lights that the Strip brought me – it was these, my colleagues, are team – my family. "No, I'm good" I tell him. He'd already given me a blanket that was still neatly folded and to my side, a hot black strong coffee that I wasn't really drinking just holding in my hands and tried to make me eat something – took him a while to look for something that contained no meat in his fridge and he'd produced a spring roll left over from a recent Chinese takeaway, the thought and all huh?

He nodded his head, he felt uncomfortable – didn't know how to be. Should he leave me alone? Should he sit down next to me? Should he give me a little room but not too much? He was wondering if I may try and top myself obviously…I mean now that would be a bitch for him to explain, so I help him out. "Would you, sit with me?" I asked, pathetically weak even to my own ears – so much so that it pained me. But I couldn't be alone, not when the memories were flashing through my conscious state.

He smiles comfortingly and takes a seat at my side. There is a few moments silence, as he looks at me and finally he answers the questions that I am thinking yet to weak to ask – something is stopping me from doing so. "She's worrying about you Sar, not hating you, not wanting to get you from her life" He says this sweetly, with no accusing tone. I appreciate that.

"IS someone with her?" I just want to know she's not having to deal with this on her own. That's all, I want to know that she's safe- I want to know that I'm not hurting her more than I am doing.

"Greg has headed home to get some sleep, and then he'll be back in a few hours to switch with Warrick and take over. I've made sure that there will always be someone Sara – she'll be okay" He comforts. "What about you?"

"What about me?" I ask, me? He does realize I just put a little girl who I love in hospital and have as a result hurt the woman I sworn to love and protect. I didn't give a damn about me.

"Tell me how you're doing" He says, "Right now I know the only thing you want is to hold Catherine, so why are you sat on my couch?" He asked, now his hand slowly moved across and held mine. Interlinking our fingers – another time, another place this would be _Nick Stokes _trying to claim yet another victim, but tonight right now this was _Nicky_, a guy who was about to earn the big brother title I've given him. Along with the other guys, 'Rick and Greg – over the next few days and maybe even weeks they would be dealing with a lot from myself and Catherine and I know that. "What went on with Eddie before I showed Sar?"

"He was upset. He had a right to be…" I mumble, I don't know why I was trying to justify what he did to me.

"Yeah he had a right to be upset, a right to be hurting – not a right to pin you against the wall. Don't punish yourself anymore than you have Sara – you don't deserve it" Nick was been so sweet, so caring – damn him, he's making me open up. I speak without even thinking about it.

"He wants them back" I explain, "he's fighting for his family"

"What? Eddie?" Nick asked.

I look at him; I don't need to answer that question.

"No, he'll never get them back. Is that what's done this to you?" Nick asked me.

I shrug my shoulders, "I'm scared of losing her" I finally cave in and tell him.

"She loves you; she's never going to take him back. She hasn't been as happy as she is when the two of you are together Sara – she'll never leave you" He seems panicked, If I want so close to crying again I'm sure I would have smiled – he was so sweet.

"They will never let us be together, not without doing their best to break us apart" I tell him. And I believe it, that the family, they will do anything.

"Well Sar guess what – I'm going to do everything to keep you together because I have never seen you to this happy in my life. The other guys and I are backing you…"

I lean across, my head finds his shoulder and I just sit their – thinking. It's true, I've never been this happy before, Catherine makes my life worth living. I still can not believe what actually happened tonight.

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"How's Cath Rick?" I awoke to the dull whispers of Nick as he stood in the door way between the kitchen and the living room. I had a headache that made me want to fall into the unconscious state all over again and my arm was killing me. My whole body felt weak. I listened, to nicks soft words of concern. I move the blanket that he must have draped over me out of the way and shifted softly trying to reduce the pain I felt. I gave up, resting my head on the back of the sofa I just looked at Nick's back. "Tell her everything will be okay…got it. See you later man" He cut off the call. And then he turned around sighing.

"How are they?" I ask.

He seemed a little startled, "Thought you were asleep"

"Was" I explain, and then ask again, "How are they?"

"Lindsey is out of the danger zone, she's been stabilized and things are looking good" Nick explained, I let out a sigh in relief.

"She'll be…she's"

"She's going to be fine"

"Thank god" I could have cried right there again, but held it in.

"Cath asking for you" he tells me softly…

I look from his eyes to the floor, "I…I can't"

"You can't what?"

"Face her"

"She's worried about you Sar…she needs you with her"

"No, she doesn't need me…I just cause her trouble"

"No…look I just promised Rick I'd talk to you – Sara, Cath's a mess without you…"

"No she's a mess because her daughter is in hospital – she's a mess because of me" I explained. Then looked to the floor, tears sliding down my face. "How can I live with this Nick…knowing I put her through all this pain?"

"You need to talk with her Sara…" He moved and sat at my side.

"I can't face her, not with what I did to her daughter…I just can't" I explain, does he not understand?

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**TBC **


	9. Chapter 9

**My worst fear **

**Part 9 **

_AN/ That was the hardest part I've had to write – here it is, hope you like. Thanks for the reviews_

I've walked this corridor so many times, maybe this time I'll get further than the nurses station. I know that I should never have left like I did, and I know that I should have never left it this long to come back but I'm just so scared, I can't deal with this. Taking deep breaths as I came closer I wanted more than anything to take the step past my previous position. There are people crowding the corridors so I'm weaving in and out of the people. Nick offered to come with, and so had Greg, this was something that I needed to do though – I needed to face my fear of facing Catherine and Lindsey. Here I am now, this is the spot I got to before and then turned walking away. Come on Sidle, you can't keep avoiding this. I took a few deep breaths before I walked a little further, I'm not going to lie I thought about walking again, but something stopped me. I think it's the feeling I had in me that morning when I woke up and Catherine was not been at my side.

It took me about five attempts to get to the room I'd been instructed that Lindsey had been taken to. And now here I was stood out side of room 111, my hand on the door handle. You'd think I was a teenager starting a new high school or a prisoner going to their death – it's what it felt like. I took one deep, slow breath and did what I had to do –

I pushed it open, but that's as far as I got. The door way between the hospital corridor and the hospital room that I'd put Catherine's little girl in. There she was lay on the hospital bed, asleep, battered and bruised with a bandage on her head. That was all I was seeing, the little kid I'd hurt. Suddenly I was hit with the images of the accident all over again – in slow motion and the loud screams – the fear. I choked up, I had no idea why I came.

I couldn't breath now, it was too hard. What the hell was I doing here?

Go over there Sara…just go over! my mind screamed – come on. I just didn't know what to do.

The room was empty, just myself and Lindsey – I walked over to the corner of the room and stood there. Without any warning tears began to fall – I brushed them away angrily. Then took a step forward, then another, and another – until I was at the bed side. Reaching forward I took her hand in mine. "Hey Slugger…" I choked out softly. That's all that I could manage – I lent into the bed and looked down at her face. Her beautiful face. The tears came faster now, harder – I sobbed softly – "I'm so sorry…so sorry…"

That's when I felt it someone wrap their arms around me from behind. I moved with them as they turned me and pulled me into them. I moved to her shoulder, I placed my head on Catherine's shoulder. That was who was holding me now – I could tell by the way her hand was wrapped around my waist. "I so sorry"

"Shush… calm baby…calm down" Catherine tried. I couldn't – the tears I'd been holding in all escaped. I used my one good arm to support myself on Catherine – "That's it…just let it all out"

No, this wasn't how it was supposed to go – I was the one who caused this – I shouldn't get her sympathy. I shouldn't. I tried to push away but she just tightened on her grip.

"I did that" I say.

"No…you didn't…baby…you didn't"

And that was it – the moment I hated myself even more. The moment I looked into her eyes and saw it – the anger, pain, hurt … she was in an emotional mess just as I were. "I'm sorry…" I whisper lowly. And I was, I was so very sorry that I'd left her.

She just looked away to her daughter, and I moved out of her arms. She stopped me by taking my hand… well the one that worked anyway. "Hold me" she said. It was the least I could do. After everything that I did… I wrapped my one arm around her waist and then the other that was still been held in a cast, she did lean back as I struggled to stop crying – I moved into her – "Do you hate me?"

She looked down at my hands, "Later" she offered as I could tell she was close to tears herself. I had no doubt we'd do this later – I wasn't going to get away with abandoning them easy. Right now though, she was here for her daughter.

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"I needed you" They were the first words she's said since we'd gotten into the Denali.

I couldn't look at her; I didn't even know what to say. She was at the moment driving my Denali since hers was a scrap and I couldn't exactly drive with my own injuries. My silence angers her further as she brings her hands down hard on the stearing wheel – "GOD DAMN IT SARA… I NEEDED YOU!" That was a level I'd never seen from Catherine, a level of anger that I knew I was responsible for. I didn't have anything to say – I have no idea what to do. "That it…you not going to say anything?"

"What can I say?" I ask her. "you think its easy for me?"

"You think it's easy for me…the two people who I love are hurt – and I don't know what to do"

"You love?" I ask.

She turns her head, "Yeah… I love you God damn it. I am in love with you… I can't do this alone Sara… don't push me away. I can take it" She was pleading with me now. "I've sat, night after night … worrying about you. All I wanted was for you to hold me."

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry Catherine…I am…about what I did, how I handled it. I just, I can take it …"

"You think I can? Please … don't leave me… don't…"

I closed my eyes and leant against the chair. "I'm a fuck up"

I felt her hand against my hand, then down my arm and then I took a deep breath – and she moved into me. "Kiss me" she says softly. "Just make it okay"

"I can't" I mumble, "I can't make it okay…"

"As long as your with me… it will be okay" She moved her hand onto my neck – "I want you with me"

"I haven't been able to even look at myself Catherine…how can you"

"Because I… I love you" I saw it in her eyes, she really did love me, she really did. I backed up away from her and against the door of the SUV – she just nodded her head. "Come back with me?" she asked. I nodded softly – fear. I knew that her sister had shown up to take over shift – thank god I'd already been outside having a smoke so I hadn't had to deal with that. Honestly, I really don't think Catherine was happy to smell the smoke on me – she hated me smoking – she hadn't said anything though not that I expect her to.

Moving my hand I took hold of hers – "I love you… I fucked up" my voice is low and strained and I'm close, once again to tears. She responded by kissing me softly against my lips – then pulling me into a close hug. I cried – AGAIN!

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"God damn it…" Catherine shouted as she slammed her hand down onto the sink. I hared her from where I was changing into a fresh, tearless tank top –

I moved – from where I was and walked into the bathroom – my heart re broke- again! I instantly moved to her – and held her tight. Both of us sank down to the floor and I did what I should have done since I woke up in the hospital – held her. And she wanted me to, she pushed her head against my shoulder, and sank further into me. Her hands gripped my, now no longer tear free shirt. The hardest thing to do was look into her eyes, I blamed me for this- there was nothing that could take away.

"Cry it out" I offered through my own tears.

"Don't leave me…ever again … please… d….don't"

"I won't" I promise as I press my lips against her forehead. She shook and trembled in my arms

– What have I done?

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Thanks for reading, this part may be altered or changed at a later point.


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